


What To Get Your Significant Annoyances

by DC (UnknownUnseenUnheard), UnknownUnseenUnheard



Category: DCU, Impulse (Comics), Red Robin (Comics), Superboy (Comics), Young Justice (Comics)
Genre: Dick is trying, M/M, Valentine’s Day fic, background BirdFlash, batfam shenanigans, fluffy af, im surprised i wrote it tbh, roxy being a good sister, thad being a good brother
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-13
Updated: 2020-02-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:55:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22688845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnknownUnseenUnheard/pseuds/DC, https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnknownUnseenUnheard/pseuds/UnknownUnseenUnheard
Summary: Or, the one where Valentine’s Day is coming up and three idiot boys scramble last minute on what to get their significant annoyances
Relationships: Bart Allen/Kon-El | Conner Kent, Bart Allen/Tim Drake, Bart Allen/Tim Drake/Kon-El | Conner Kent, Tim Drake/Kon-El | Conner Kent
Comments: 21
Kudos: 214





	What To Get Your Significant Annoyances

A/N: I wrote a Valentine’s day fic. I… What am I, anymore? Anyways, enjoy the dorks :P

Conner’s present idea is actually something he’s done before, although it shows up one, to my knowledge? He made statues of Young Justice to put in the cave using his Tactile Telekinesis. Our boy is an Alchemist-

Published: 2/13/2019

Warnings: None

Featured Character:

Conner Kent | Kon El

Tim Drake

Bart Allen 

Supporting:

Roxy Leech

Batfam

Max Mercury 

Thad Thawne

Antagonist: 

N/A 

* * *

**What To Get Your Significant Annoyances**

Roxy Leech was having a good day. Key word being ‘having’, as in past tense. Past tense, because the most annoying little brother to ever grace her existence was following her left and right, not even bothering to be inconspicuous about it. 

As in, floating behind her dejectedly while Roxy was attempting to follow a perp. Who, most likely, had already spotted her and run to the wind. 

Dejectedly, Roxy looked around the park. Not only had her suspect fled, most of the park goers had too. No parent in their right minds wanted to allow their kids to play around a super. Supers usually attracted trouble, they were practically magnets for the stuff. 

Growing, Roxy turned, glaring at Kon El. 

Kon, of course, didn’t meet her gaze. Instead, the teen of steel floated before her, head laid in his hands, looking the perfect image of a kicked puppy. 

Roxy let out a breath. In. Out. In. Out. Okay. She couldn’t be mad at SB. Not when he made a face like that. 

“What’s wrong?” Roxy asked. 

Kon’s eyes looked up, meeting hers. “Aren’t you busy doing police work and stuff? I can wait,” SB told her. 

Roxy only barely managed to resist the urge to growl that she couldn’t damn well do her job as a detective with Kon trailing behind her every which way. Instead, she smiled at her brother before sitting down on a bench. 

“I have time, little brother,” Roxy told him. 

Kon looked skeptical then hopeful. 

“Really?” The boy asked before floating down, sitting next to her. 

“Yes,” Roxy said, patience already tested. “How can I help?”

“I don’t know what to get Tim or Bart for Valentines Day!?” SB cried out. 

…

What-

“Oh, I’m dating Bart and Tim now,” Kon said offhandedly, as if he hadn’t just dropped the bombshell that he was in a polygamous relationship with two of his teammates on Roxy’s head. “And I don’t know what to get them, Rox! What if I mess up? What if they hate what I get them? What if they wanna break up with me and just date each other because I’m terrible at picking gifts?!”

…

Roxy pinched herself. Yup. She was definitely awake. This was not a dream. Superboy really was looking at her out of wide almost watering blue eyes because he had no idea what to get his boyfriends- boyfriends, plural, because life wasn’t fair and her brother had managed to hitch himself with two great guys when Roxy couldn’t even find one- and he was scared they’d hate whatever he did manage to come up with. 

Roxy sighed. This was her life, apparently. At least SB’s problems weren’t as bad or as violence inducing as her dad’s gambling addiction. 

“Well… What do they like?” Roxy thought this would be a reasonable question. 

Kon cried out, tossing his head back as he leaned his back against the bench. 

“That’s the problem! Bart loves video games, but that’s not romantic and he goes through them in seconds- seconds, Roxy. And Tim? What could I get Tim that he can’t buy himself? He’s got enough money in his back pocket to buy Smallville a dozen times over! What could I possibly get him?”

Roxy resisted the urge to groan. 

Unknown to her and to Superboy, elsewhere, Max Mercury was having the exact same conversation with Bart while Dick Grayson was being besieged with Tim doing the exact same thing. 

* * *

“For the last time,” Tim said, exasperated, “I can’t buy them islands, Dick!”

“Why not? Dick asked, digging into a bowl of cereal as the two brothers sat on the couch, watching old cartoons as was their tradition, “I bought Kori an entire planet while we were dating!”

Tim huffed and crossed his arms, a look of disbelief on his face as he leaned back. “Uh huh. Right. Batshit.”

Dick pointed a spoon at him, “Bruce is gonna get you if you keep saying that.”

In response, Tim stuck out his tongue.

Dick rolled his eyes before taking another bite out of his breakfast. Before them, a classic played out. Who in their right minds could possibly claim the Pink Panther was not, in fact, a classic?

“I’m being serious, Timmy. Get them islands,” Dick refused to relent.

Tim looked skeptical. 

“Isn’t that, like, way over the top and snobbishly shoving the fact that I’ve got a lot of money in their faces? I don’t want them to think I’m buying their love, Dick!”

Dick frowned. “What? No, that's not why I’m telling you to get them an island, don’t be silly Timmy,” Dick said before pointing the spoon at Tim again. A bit of milk splashed out, landing on Tim’s leg. Tim twitched. “I bought Kori an island that reminded her of her home planet! The look on her face alone- let me tell you, little bro, that memory still keeps me going sometimes.”

“Aren’t you dating Wally now?”

Dick shrugged. “Well, yeah, but Kori was still my first love,” Dick said, as if it explained everything. 

Tim personally didn’t get it. Oh, sure, he got along with Stephanie, but she was the only ex he got along with. (That mess with Cassie Did Not Count(tm), shut up Kon.)

“And you should totally buy them islands,” Dick continued. “It will be the ultimate show of love! The ultimate act! You know I'm right!” Dick winked at Tim.

Tim stared at his brother for several seconds before speaking a single, simple word: “No.”

Dick began to pout, lip quivering and eyes becoming wide. Tim looked away, lest he be taken in by Dick Grayson’s puppy eyed stare, which had been known to make even the great Deathstroke the Terminator quiver in fear. 

“Why don’t you like my advice, little bro?” Dick asked, voice cracking, no doubt on purpose. Anyone who thought Dick Grayson was a kind and wholesome soul instead of the master manipulator he really was, was either delusional, in denial, or taken in completely by the act.

 _Because, it’s way too over the top and blatantly shoves how rich I am in Kon and Bart’s face_ _,_ Tim thought.

Externally, he said, “I just don’t think they’d appreciate the sentiment.”

Dick shrugged. “You could always build them a candy palace, like that one witch from Hansel and Gretel!” Dick suggested.

Tim turned to stare at his brother. He couldn’t help it. Dick continued to eat before noticing the stare. Blinking at him, Dick spoke, “What?”

“... The witch... Tries to kill Hansel and Gretel,” Tim reminded him. 

Dick looked surprised.

“Really? Why would she do that, her house is made of candy. That’s a stupid ending. A dentist probably edited it. They are our enemies, Tim. Fear them.”

Tim groaned before looking away. This is what he got for coming to Dick for help, but who else would he have asked? Bruce had the emotional range of a teaspoon, even if he did love all his kids, Jason might try to shoot Tim is he asked, Damian would likely try to stab him, Babs and Cass wouldn’t be of any help, and Tim sure as hell wasn’t going to ask Stephanie. 

_Hey, Steph, I know we broke up, but help me get Valentines gifts for someone else maybe, even though I never bothered getting you anything for it._

Yeah, that would go over well.

Damn. What to get them...

* * *

“I don’t see why you’re asking me this, Bart,” Max sighed, attempting to cook dinner. A lesser man would have surrendered by now. Max Mercury was nothing if not stubborn, however, and even Bartholomew Allen the II would not break his concentration. 

His young protege was… Relentless. 

“But, MaxMaxMaxMax!” Bart yelled as he ran around in circles. Literally. It was a wonder the room was even still standing, considering the rate at which Bart was vibrating. “IDontKnowWhatToGetThem, AndEveryoneKnowsImTheOddManOut!” 

Max was prepared to ignore Bart until the last part registered. Slowly (For a Speedster, that is), Max set down his cooking utensils before turning to look at Bart. 

Bart stopped running, realizing he finally had the thing he had wanted: Max’s complete and undivided attention. His expression was smug, victorious. 

Max frowned. “What do you mean, ‘you’re the odd man out’?” Max repeated.

Bart’s excitement melted as worry began to bleed onto his face. 

“I am the odd one out, Max!” Bart cried. “Tim and Kon include me in everything, but you should see the look of surprise on everyone’s faces! Everyone always expects it to be Superboy and Robin dating, not Superboy, Robin, and Impulse.” Bart frowned, biting his lip and looking away. “Everyone else seems to realize it… What if Tim and Kon realize it too? They fit so well together, and I… I’m just kinda there…”

Max pinched the bridge of his nose. 

This, he was not prepared to deal with.

The idea of homosexuality alone was one Max honestly wasn’t too accustomed to. Oh, sure, homosexuality had always been there, but in Max’s time? No one would dare be so blatant about it, no one would dare shout their love for a person of the same gender from the top of a roof the way Bart was prone to do. Times had changed. Times had changed for the better.

Regardless, it still made Bart’s words jarring. Max, personally, had a hard time wrapping his mind around two boys being open about their love, let alone three. 

Max, however, refused to let any of that show on his face. He was the parent. His job was to guide, not confuse his charge with outdated ideas that had been ingrained in his head since he was young. 

“You said Conner and Timothy don’t treat you as the odd one out, correct?” Max repeated, because that was the important bit. Bart felt left out, but not by his boyfriends. 

“Yeah,” Bart nodded, staring at the floor, dejected, “They include me and we all go on dates and they go on dates and they each take me on dates individually, but… Everyone’s always surprised, you know?” Bart looked up. “If it's just me and Tim, or just me and Kon, there’s always at least one person who’s stunned. Hell, one time, a girl came up to Kon and started yelling at him because ‘how dare you cheat on Robin’ and blah blah blah.”

Max felt a momentary flash of rage. Rage that he quickly suppressed. Superpowers were not to be used on civilians. They weren’t. No matter how stupid and idiotic the civilians in question happened to be. 

Max put a hand on Bart’s shoulder, squeezing. 

“I-,” Max began.

“Imbecile,” a snide voice spoke. Max resisted the urge to groan as Thad appeared next to Bart, glaring at this… We’ll say ‘twin’. “From your insistent blabbering, the answer is clear!”

Bart turned towards his brother. 

“What do you mean? What do I have to do?” 

Max blinked. Bart was… Actually considering taking Thad’s advice? This was… Progress, actually. Unlike a certain Bat furry in Gotham, Max did _not_ approve of his adoptive children trying to kill each other, and had spent months after Thad had come to live with them trying to cultivate a good environment for the boys. It looked like his hard work was finally starting to pay off. Excellent! 

“It is quite simple,” Thad sneered. In a flash of light, Thad was suddenly dressed in a laboratory coat, a white board appearing out of nowhere. Thad scribbled on the board with marker, rapidly drawing Superboy, Robin, and Impulse. “The world is convinced the three of you do not belong together, and that you are a third wheel! You must merely… Bring them the corpses of your oppressors to show dominance!”

“What? No!” Max couldn’t help but shout.

Bart nodded. “Yeah! Killing is bad,”

Thad considered this before giving a single curt nod of his own.

“Yes, fair. However, you must still show you are superior- capture one of their foes and bring it as a present! I can aide you!” 

Max crossed his arms. 

“Thaddeus, that is not a good- Bartholomew, why are you nodding?” Max asked in horror.

“We can capture Joker!” Bart cheered.

Wha-

“No!” Thad shook his head violently. “Joker? Please, that sad excuse for a clown is nothing! We need to capture a truly mentally superior foe- Lex Luthor, perhaps?”

This was getting out of hand…

“I think-“ Max began.

“Yeah! We capture Lex! This plan couldn’t possibly go wrong!”

Years of experience alone allowed Max to pluck both boys by the back of their shirts as they attempted to rush off to do exactly that. Max, regrettably, was no longer as fast as he had once been, and both his charges could outrun him in a heartbeat if they truly wanted to. 

“Unhand me, heathen!” Thad cried. 

“Hey! What’s the big idea? Thad’s idea is good!”

Max glowered at the pair of them.

“Thad’s idea is _not_ good,” Max stated the obvious, “and, you said it yourself, Bart,” Max turned towards his auburn haired charge, “Conner and Timothy don’t treat you like an outsider. You don’t need to prove your place to them.”

 _And certainly not by trying to capture one of the single most dangerous men on the planet_ , Max thought. 

“But- but- but- then what do I get them!?” Bart cried out.

Max shrugged. “Obviously… You make them something.”

Bart brightened. “And, you’ll help?”

Max sighed. “Yes Bart, I’ll help. And so will Thaddeus.”

“What? I WILL NO-“ Thad began, then was silenced by a single look from Max. The boy huffed, looking away. “Okay… Fine, I’ll ‘help’, of my own ‘free will’.”

Bart grinned widely. 

“I knew it was a good idea to adopt you!”

Thad glared at him.

“Shut up, inferior!”

“You’re like an angry cat,” Bart commented. 

“I will end you,” Thad promised. 

Bart, in response, blew him a raspberry. 

Thad began to struggle in Max’s grip, tiny arms flailing.

Max sighed again. 

He had only himself to blame for this. Really, and truly. 

* * *

“Valentine’s day is so stupid!” Kon cried, tossing aside several cards. Roxy had decided to go the simple route and took him to shop. Clearly, this was not the right path. “What even is the point? I can always say I love Tim and Bart! I love them!” Kon yelled. Then, to Roxy’s horror, her brother began to float in midair, causing several eyes to turn at the floating Superboy. “I LOVE ROBIN AND INERTIA!” Kon bellowed out.

Roxy face palmed. Oh my god. She would never be able to show her face in public ever again. This was it. This was how Roxy would die. Embarrassed to death by her surrogate little brother. 

Several shoppers blinked at him.

“Inertia?” Someone commented.

Kon blinked as well before his face went slack, quickly replaced by horror.

“No, no!” Kon flailed, waving his arms in denial. “I meant Impulse! IMPULSE! I love Impulse!” 

A random kid cackled. 

“I’m uploading that Inertia bit to YouTube!” 

Kon let out a sharp noise before descending back down to Roxy, eyes beginning to water. Oh no. Oh no, no, no. Not the waterworks. Nope. Roxy was not equipped to handle that. She wasn’t, nope. 

“Bart is gonna see that and Tim is gonna see that and they’ll hate me! I ruin everything!”

“You just slipped a word, SB,” Roxy told him. “It's not that bad.”

“They’re gonna break up with me. Mark my words.”

* * *

Tim blinked at the YouTube link Steph had sent him.

“Huh…” Tim said, eyes taking in Kon dramatically declaring his love for him and… Psycho Bart before backtracking, yelling that he loved Robin and Impulse, not Inertia. “On the bright side,” Tim said to himself, “this means that nothing I do can possibly be that bad.”

Let it never be said that Tim Drake-Wayne was not a pragmatist in all things, including love and war.

* * *

Max had bought an excess of supplies in anticipation. And… As expected… Bart and Thad were making an utter mess. Max sighed. There was not a single square inch of the living room that was no longer covered in a thin layer of glitter. 

Hopefully, they could get this cleaned up before...

“Boy’s, I’m home, and I got takeout for each of y- WHAT HAPPENED TO MY HOUSE!”

... Helen got home. 

“HI HELEN! THAD IS HELPING ME MAKE VALENTINE’S DAY GIFTS FOR TIM AND KON BECAUSE HE’S A GOOD BROTHER AND HE LOVES ME!”

Oh dear. Bart should not have said that. It took only seconds to the Thad to respond appropriately. 

The sound of a loud smack was heard.

“OWE!” Bart cried out.

“Slander! Slander! _You slander my good name!_ Take it back!”

“Nuh uh! You’re a good brother now and I love you!”

“Bah!”

Max took that as his que to interfere before things became even more messy. 

* * *

“SB, I don’t think this is a good idea…” Roxy said.

“What? Come on, it’s a great idea!”

Kon had decided that, if he couldn't find a great gift… He’d make one. Which, for him, was actually a lot easier than it was for most people. 

As in, he was currently constructing statues using Tactile Telekinesis. Hey, no one ever said the skill was just there to be destructive. This wasn’t the first time Conner had done this either. Those Young Justice statues hadn’t made themselves, after all. 

Roxy waded her way through the army of crystal statues her brother had constructed. The statues were all of SB, Impulse, and Robin, sometimes in their uniforms and sometimes out, doing a variety of tasks. 

“And that was my first date with Bart,” Kon pointed at a set, showing… Two boys playing an arcade game. Roxy wasn’t sure what she had expected. 

“And that was my first date with Tim,” Kon pointed at another set, where a Superboy statue held a sleeping Robin in his arms and… Was that drool? That looked like drool. Carved into crystal. 

“This is our first Valentine’s day,” Kon said as he put the finishing touches on… Statues of himself, Impulse, and Robin fighting what looked like a kid with the genie from Aladdin floating behind him. “I want it to be special, you know?”

 _Oh, it was gonna be special, alright,_ Roxy thought, looking around. 

“You… Really love them, don’t you SB?” Roxy said, voice soft.

Kon looked up, face lit. “I do. So much. They’re… They’re my everything, Rox. I don’t ever want to let them go. They’re it for me. When I think of happiness, it’s their faces that pop into my head. I wanna spend the rest of my life with them.”

 _You’ve already died once_ , Roxy thought. _That might not be long..._

Of course, she didn’t say that. 

The memory of the event alone kept her up at night sometimes. 

Roxy took one last look around. 

SB had converted his old Haiwaain property into a montage of his favorite moments with Tim and Bart. It was… 

“Are you crying?”

“NO!” Roxy denied adamantly, looking away. 

Kon El, the annoying pest that he was, grinned widely and practically started hopping in place. “Great! That means this is the _perfect gift!_ They’re gonna love it!”

* * *

Since Dick was… Absolutely no help, despite having more successful long lasting relationships then anyone else in the family, Tim came to the conclusion that he’d have to ask the others.

Regardless, desperate times called for desperate measures. 

Except… 

Each family member was… Somehow worse than the last? How?

“Invite them to a hotel and wear slutty lingerie,” Jason had suggested. 

“Dox them, compile a list of embarrassing facts, and give it to them as both a funny gift and a promise if they ever break up with you,” Babs had smiled, smiled, while she’d said those words. 

“... You’re dating who?” Bruce had been so stunned that Tim hadn’t had the energy to reply. 

“Pathetic, Drake. Whimpering as you lay your heart in the hands of those simpletons, I can’t say I’m surprised, you- blah blah blah, blah blah! Blah, blah blah blah!”

(Damian hadn’t really said the blah, but he might as well have the second Tim started filtering out the brat’s annoying voice)

“You never got me anything for Valentines,” Steph pointed out dryly and had refused to give him any advice afterwards, never mind that she was now happily dating Cass.

On that note, Cass had told him to assert his dominance by beating both Kon and Bart in a fight, which Tim was not going to attempt, thank you very much. 

Tim did, however, get two… Somewhat good responses from Alfred and Duke.

“Why don’t you just get them Valentine’s day candy? Simple enough, right?” Duke had been the most reasonable.   
  
Tim, foolishly, had decided the plan was too simple for his tastes.

“When all else fails,” Alfred said, “a good home cooked meal works best. Would you like some assistance, Master Timothy?”

“... You know, actually, yeah. Thank you Alfred!” Tim smiled at the aged butler.

Unfortunately, in his haste to get something proper for his boyfriends for Valentine’s Day… Tim had failed to remember Universal Law Number 87: Timothy Jackson Drake-Wayne is not, under any circumstances, to be allowed anywhere near or, heaven forbids, inside, a kitchen.

So it was that Wayne Manner nearly burned down because Tim had somehow managed to turn pasta into a bomb.

* * *

Bart’s tongue stuck out of his mouth as he finished doodling yet another card. 

“There!” Bart proclaimed loudly, standing to full height. Looking around the room, hands on his hips, Bart spoke, “DONE and DONE!” He said cheerfully, rubbing his palms together.

Thad stared at him. Then at the room. Then at Bart again.

“This is an utter mess!” Thad exclaimed. 

Bart glared. 

“It is not!”

It totally was. 

There were posters and hand made cards all over the place. Bart had drawn and splattered and tossed paint every which way. The floor was covered in at least half an inch of glitter Bart had accidentally spilled. 

All in all, the place looked like an arts and craft bomb had gone off, with Bart at the heart of it.

“And you helped!” Bart added, because Thad had, indeed, helped. Yes, this was a mess, but it had been a group effort.

Max himself was standing in the corner of the room, face covered with his hands. Every once and awhile, he’d take a peek before looking away again, whispering lowly under his breath. Bart couldn’t catch everything, but he did catch a few words. 

“Promised Helen… Can’t interfere… Young love… Expressing himself… Kid’s are finally getting along… So much glitter…”

Bart sweatdropped. 

Thad rolled his eyes at him one last time, nevermind the fact that he too was covered in glitter, before his phone buzzed. Bart was personally stunned. He didn’t think Thad had anyone’s number except his and Max’s. Fishing it out of his pocket, Thad looked at the screen for several seconds before a look of malicious glee overtook his features.

“HA! I’ve done it! One down, one to go!”

Bart blinked.

“What are you talking about?”

Smiling evilly, Thad turned the phone. Bart was surprised to see what looked like a shitty YouTube video of his hunk of a boyfriend, floating in a store.

Then, Kon opened his mouth

“I LOVE ROBIN AND INERTIA!” Kon bellowed out.

Bart froze. Um. What?

Thad, sadistic little shit that he was, gleefully had the video playing on repeat. 

“My master plan is working, buahaha-“

Despite knowing for a fact that Thad was full of shit and that Kon had most likely just slipped and said the wrong thing by mistake because Tim usually hogged the braincell the three of them shared, Bart let out a roar and tackled his brother. Thad cried out in response as the two boys began to wrestle on the ground.

“This is punishment,” Bart heard Max say, “Punishment for my hubris, for my sins, my arrogance… BOYS! Settle down!”

* * *

“Fuck it,” Tim decided. 

“You’re buying them islands?” Dick asked.

“Lingerie?” Jason asked.

“Excuse me?” Bruce interjected. 

“Battle lingerie,” Jason fibbed. “It's the newest development, so even if your suit gets ruined, you still have some protection!”

Normally, Jason Todd level bullshit did not even phase Bruce Wayne, who’s keen senses typically shrugged it off like no tomorrow. Normally, Bruce hadn’t been stunned by the knowledge that his baby boy was apparently dating not one, but two potentially insane metas, so Bruce merely nodded, accepting Jason’s words as face. 

“You doxed them?” Babs asked pleasantly. In any other setting, the occupants would have freaked out at such a suggested. The rest of the Batfam didn’t even blink.

“No, you idiots! He’s getting them chocolate!” Duke interjected.

“Heaven knows he shan’t be cooking. No one shall, I dare say, until we get the kitchen repaired.” Alfred cut in.

Tim winced at that one.

“I’m gonna take them to dinner,” Tim told them, “Besides, what could Bart and Kon have possibly gotten? Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if they forgot Valentine’s day was coming up.”

Tim was quickly proven wrong when Bart appeared among them in a flash of crimson light covered in glitter, blue, and random small bits of colored paper.

“Tim! Tim, I was looking for Kon, but I couldn’t find him, but that's okay because I found you and I also wanted to find you but I wanted to find both of you but I have no idea where he is because he’s Kon and you know Kon, but I found you and that’s good and I- Oh wow, that’s a lot of batarangs,” Bart commented, dodging as several came flying at him. 

Out of the corner of his eye, Tim saw Dick tackle Jason, who’d taken out one of his guns.

One dost not startle Bats and expect not to be attacked. Bart knew this, but, clearly, being Bart, did it anyways.

“Anyways,” Bart continued on, as if he hadn't been interrupted by Bat incapacitation protocols, “I made you and Kon SO many presents because I love you guys so much and I wanna show you both right away and why do I have to wait for tomorrow, that’s stupid, I wanna show you guys now, but Kon is a cheating bastard so I’m not sure I wanna sho-“

“Wait, wait, wait!” Tim interrupted, hands lifted in the air, waiving them at Bart’s face. Bart paused. “Cheating bastard?” Tim repeated.

“Oh,” Bart rolled his eyes. “He slipped up and said he loves Robin and Inertia m instead of Robin and Impulse. I mean, he corrected himself afterwards but the damage is done and Thad isn’t letting it go so I’m not gonna let it go and do you have any idea how annoying having a murderous little brother is?”

Tim stated in Damian. Bart didn’t seem to notice. 

“ANYWAYS! I’m kidnapping you so we can find Kon and I can show you both what I made because I love you both so much!”

Wha-

That was all the warning Bart gave Tim before sweeping him off his feet, rushing away.

Bruce blinked.

“Who… Who disabled the Anti Speedster force fields around the manor?”

As one, the rest of the Batfam turned to stare at Dick.

Dick looked offended.

“Excuse you all! Why do you assume I did it?”

“Wally,” Jason pointed it out.

Dick raised a single finger, mouth open, ready to defend himself before pausing. Then, with a head tilt, Dick shrugged. “Okay, fair, but Tim has Bart-“

“Tim was as surprised as we were,” Bruce cut in.

Dick pointed his still elevated finger at Bruce, mouth open again to defend himself before shooting up, running out of the room, thus confessing his guilt in the most dramatic way possible.

* * *

Kon had just gotten back to the Compound after flying Roxy home when Bart and Tim came crashing into him, literally. 

With an oomph, the young Superboy was toppled over by his two boyfriends. 

“Woah, wha- what are you two doing here, you’re early!” Kon pushed the two of them off.

Which didn’t last long because Bart quickly tackled Kon to the ground, straddling him. “How could you say you love Thad!”

Oh fuck, that moment was already coming back to haunt him and it hand’t been a full 24 hours. 

“It was an accident!” Kon cried. “You know you’re the only Speedster for me, babe,” Kon winked.

Ha! Bart would have to fall for Kon’s smooth lines.

“Duh! I know that!” Bart rolled his eyes, causing Kon to blink in surprise. If Bart knew that, why was he straddling him while glaring at him furiously? “Thad is never gonna let it go, though! _He already saved it as his ringtone.”_

Oh fuck. 

Kon had built over a dozen statues to commemorate his love, and the whole thing was going to be ruined by Thad Thawne and his annoying habitats. 

“Kon…”

Bart and Kon both froze. As one, the two teens turned their heads. 

Tim stood in the middle of the statues, hand lifted in wonder towards one of them. Kon had been nothing if not thorough with his creations, making them as life-like as possible. Well. You know. As lifelike as crystal and stone can be. 

Tim turned to Kon.

“You made this?” Tim spoke, voice cracking.

Suddenly, Bart was next to him. Then away. Then, on the other side of the Compound, eyes darting over each and every creation Kon had made.

Like Tim, Bart’s eyes were also starting to water.

Kon stood to full height now that he no longer had a lap full of angry Speedster. 

“Yes! And you guys weren’t supposed to see until tomo-“

Kon was interrupted by Bart dashing in front of him, wrapping his arms around his next, then pulling him in for a heated kiss. Kon yelped, eyes growing wide before they fluttered shut, arms rising up to pull the Speedster closer.

The pair of them were interrupted by Tim, who yanked at Kon’s head to pull him in for a kiss as well.

Tim pulled back, looking around in wonder. 

“I- okay, honestly, I’m surprised you remembered all these details, not gonna lie.”

“Hey!” 

“Oh wait, GottaGetMyThing!” Bart said excitedly. In a flash, the Speedster was gone, only to return seconds later carrying… dozens of cards and posters covered in hearts and phrases and random poetry, dear hell, Bart hadn’t been kidding. 

“These are for you,” Bart stated, shoving about a hundred different things into Kon’s hands, who scrambled to keep them from falling. Some of them stuck to him like magnets, but even tactile telekinesis was not enough and several fell to the ground. 

Tim attempted to contain his own batch. Unfortunately, Bart had made him so many gifts and cards, Tim was certain that stacked one on top of another, they would be taller than he was. 

Bart looked exceedingly pleased with himself.

“I spent all day making these because I love you both so much and Thad actually helped, and Thad wanted me to capture a villain for you guys but Max wouldn't let me go after the Joker so I did this instead and I hope you both enjoy it!”

Tim spluttered. 

“The Joker?! You wanted to capture the Joker?”

Bart pouted. 

“Yeah. Thad said it was dumb,” Bart said, and Tim couldn’t believe he was agreeing with someone as criminally insane as Inertia, “and he suggested we capture Lex Luthor instead because Luthor is actually smart,” ah, never mind, “but Max wouldn’t let us so we made these instead!”

Kon picked up one of the cards, which showed… Was that Luke Skywalker and Han Solo?

“‘Baby, I shiver for you. Baby, I’m just Hoth for you,’” Kon read out then laughed. He pulled up more, laughing at each one. Indeed, Tim checked a few of his own and absolutely all of them were covered in cheesy pick up lines.

Tim’s good mood quickly soured.

Oh gods…

He… Tim hadn’t really gotten Kon or Bart anything. He hadn’t been able to. Hell, part of Tim had been relying on them forgetting tomorrow was Valentine’s day so he could take them both out to eat at a fancy restaurant… Which, in hindsight, was probably a terrible idea.

Bart and Kon, at a fancy restaurant? The idea was as weird as the time Jason had showed up dressed in a suit and tie. 

Regardless, Tim hadn’t really gotten his boyfriend’s anything… Meanwhile, Kon had built a literal montage of moments in their relationship and Bart had created so many handmade Valentine’s day cards that Tim was sure he could fill multiple walls at the manor with them alone. 

Bart noticed his mood first. Flashing before him, the auburn haired boy began to pat Tim up and down. “What’s wrong? Did I make a bad joke? Do you not like them? I’m sorry if they’re too cheesy! Thad drew the pictures based of the words I had on each of them, and I’m sorry if it-“

Tim shut Bart up with his mouth, tears straining in his eyes. 

Pulling back, Tim smiled at the other boy softly, before turning to look at Kon. Both of his boyfriends were looking at him. Good. 

“It’s not that, Bart. This is wonderful. And Kon… These statues are just…” Tim looked around, and scrunched his nose in distaste when he realized Kon had memorialized that one time Damian had walked in on something that had had Tim dodging random batarangs for several weeks after, “Stunning,” Tim decided, turning back to look at each of them. “I just… I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO GET YOU GUYS AND I COULDN’T THINK OF ANYTHING AND MY FAMILY TRIED TO HELP AND I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH DUKE’S SUGGESTION AND I TRIED TO COOK FOR YOU GUYS AND I ALMOST KILLED ALFRED BECAUSE I APPARENTLY HAVE A SECRET META POWER OF MAKING KITCHENS COMBUST!”

Bart and Kon blinked at him.

Then…

As one, the two assholes started laughing.

Tim huffed. 

“It’s not funny!”

“You went to Batman for Valentine’s day advice?” Bart asked.

Tim flushed scarlet red. 

“I’m surprised Dick didn’t have any good suggestions,” Kon laughed.

“He wanted me to get you guys islands!” Tim protested.

His boyfriends paused, taking a look at one another before looking back at Tim.

“Really? That would be so cool!”

Tim stared for several seconds before tossing his hands up, letting out an exasperated sound. The next thing he knew, he was being tackled to the ground. Tim yelped as the three of them fell in a tangled heep, laughter sounding all around.

This… Tim decided, this was nice. 

* * *

In the end, they really did end up going to one of Gotham’s finer dining establishments.

It took approximately .5 seconds before Tim’s idiots decided to start a goddamn food fight, and another .5 seconds before Tim himself gave in and joined them, but it was fun.

(And yes, they totally cleaned up the mess themselves, they might be slobs but they’re not assholes-)

**Author's Note:**

> My [Tumblr](https://unknownunseenunheard.tumblr.com/)
> 
> I also made a [TimKonBart Discord](https://discord.gg/banUTj5) and a [Core Four Discord](https://discord.gg/zd4kdj2)


End file.
